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I’ve been living with such a deep seeded feeling of shame for such a long time. Its pervasive and soul destroying. A constant battle with the feeling of not being enough. People have reinforced this parasitic idea over and over through out my life. That I have no intrinsic value other than what I can be used for by other people. It’s a sentiment that has been reinforced by predatory people looking for the vulnerable. It makes me want to disconnect from everyone.

There are so many labels that weigh on my shoulders like cast iron shackles. From Sexuality. Gender. Trauma. Mental illness. Identity Disorders. Being ‘other’ and ‘different’ in so many ways. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve suffered at the hands of so many. The truth is that it is my openness and vulnerability that makes it so appealing. In both good and bad ways. There is strength, power and love in it. But it is confronting and it causes people to have one of 3 reactions; embrace, control or destroy. So much of what I’ve experienced has been about people trying to take that power.

I often have to fight to embrace vulnerability and it does take a toll. Things happen that cause me to question it, question myself. If I wasn’t being so open I wouldn’t have been assaulted, abused, manipulated. If I wasn’t this way, or that way. Worn this, said that. Had paid more attention and been less open. If I had only been different. Anything or anyone but me. Those things wouldn’t have happened. The difficulty is that there is an element of truth to it. Vulnerability allows connection; but it is still vulnerability.

I’m so terrified of being myself in the world. Of being rejected, targeted, hurt. I’ve had a life of so much pain and suffering that sometimes it becomes almost unbearable. But the times when I choose to try and protect myself, to limit my vulnerability, it becomes so much worse. It doesn’t stop the suffering, it amplifies it because it isolates me from the connection, empathy and compassion that comes with being open. Not only for myself but for others. It keeps me in a state of hyper-vigilance and builds mile high walls that keep others out and me in a prison. It numbs me to life, love, and everything beautiful about the world. It’s the only thing that stops me from being able to create.

The recent interview where we opened up about our struggle to live as a DiD system was confronting and brought up a lot of fears, anxiety and unknowns for me. It was diving feet first into the dark waters of public openness and, while it felt like the right thing to do, it opened up a pandora’s box similar to past times of being open about other very personal experiences in the world and the reality I live.

I make music and draw pictures to be able to get the emotion out and be honest with myself about what I’m truly feeling. To understand it. I share it as a way to connect. To force myself to face those feelings that shame wants me to numb myself to. I open myself up to the world because its the one thing I will always have the power to choose to do. Sometimes I need to write something like this to create some order to the spiraling chaos that thoughts can be and reconnect with myself. Sharing it is like a public form of accountability.

The anxiety; the fear; those things never leave. But at least this is another Little step in the direction of who I aspire to be. A slightly better me.

Relentless Forward Progress
~Lily


2 comments

Lilly ur amazing! The only part I had a problem with “was aspire to be a better me” girl the way you are right now is 100% fukin perfection xxxxx

If you would have closed down and not been vulnerable to my vulnerability I would still be wondering out where you found me. I’m not all the way back but you won’t let me go backwards. You are fast to ignore the irrelevant and call me on my delusions and denials (better know as bullshit). I embrace who you are with no thought of controlling anything about you. As Genna aptly stated you are 100% fukin perfection. No one can own a pure heart, they can only be grateful when that heart is shared with them to help heal theirs. And I will defend you from anyone attempting to destroy your beautiful heart. You came at the exact time I needed a guide to lead me back to myself. And I am grateful. And don’t let those who claim to be sane as they continue to be under control in their learned reality. The fallacy of appealing to the masses comes to mind. Most of their reality is but agreed upon make believe. And those who say that they won’t play make believe are called insane. I have always had little tolerance for the sane and mundane. I don’t understand how they will ever experience love and joy on a real level. Yes, a lot of hurt comes when one is open to that real love and joy but it is fucking worth it when that kind of love and joy comes through. And lil’bit, I am grateful you have not shutdown and I thank you for helping my lost soul work it’s way back to me. I will fight anyone who even dreams of trying to take that away from you. I will leave you with one of my favorite (and many, sometimes the masses are correct) quotes by Jack Kerouac:

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

And of course we can’t forget Dr. Suess:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

I don’t mind anything about you kiddo
-mik3

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